Thursday, April 10, 2014

A quick spin round the feedback loop...

Thank you for all of your comments and messages, and please pardon my unexplained absence.  My computer went away for service and repair for a few days.

Someone near and dear to my heart expressed grave concerns about the sudden turn in direction which this blog has taken.  He misses the old posts.  He loves the photos in and around Vancouver, and he asked me very kindly to lighten up a little and get back to the things he loves most about spokeNscene.  He doesn't want it to change, bless him.  Don't worry.  SpokeNscene will always be about cycling, and I promise we will return to regular programming soon.

I just beg your indulgence one more time, please. It will be easier if you simply accept my apology in advance for the rambling babblelog I am about to unleash upon you.  The friend who asked me to lighten up is in good company, truth be told.  A few of you have spoken out.  Thank you, btw, for caring enough to say.  One kind reader took the time to write an insightful message which made me stop and think. I hope he doesn't mind if I share part of it with you here:

Your energy comes across loud and clear in your posts. Your message is more elusive. If there were a hierarchy maintained where the sexuality is always below the health in order of importance, your message would reach more people...If you wish to market your health ideas.

The letter in its entirety was kind and intelligent and thought provoking.  After reading it, I had an epiphany of sorts. It was very enlightening.

Someone on Reddit took offence, to the sexual selfies and a moderator who doesn't think much of me anyway used it as an opportunity to have my posts automatically deleted as spam.  You see?  My lovely reader's concern for my message being lost in the sexual content was right on the money. And I have thought long and hard about where sexuality fits into my message, though perhaps it doesn't look it. I once posted an onanastic photo early on in this blog, and quickly deleted the image from the post because of my professional standing and the fear that I would become "That Girl."  

And THAT is the thing.  As a woman I am judged upon my looks, even as I'm reminded that my worth will never equal that of a man's.  Especially not one of the Sirs of this world. Why?  I don't know. You'd think that as the sex which can gives birth, we females should be more highly valued, more precious, not less. There is no relief in God, either, with religion underscoring the devaluing of the feminine. Worse, religions all tell us that masturbation is a sin.  Why do you suppose it IS that devoutly fundamentalist societies have the highest rates of rape?  Hmmmm?  Oh never mind.  The long and the short of it is that I try to do my part to express a healthy feminine sexuality in the face of our collective madness.  And yet it's important not to lose sight of the forest for the trees. 

The message matters.  The KISS list delivers health and happiness.  Guaranteed. 

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep

Healthy sexuality is an important aspect of health and wellness, and yet in our mad, mad world it is tied to sin and shame and thus condemned to a pervasive and lasting legacy of violence, abuse, darkness, and fear.There was a feature on domestic violence this week, following a dramatic news story.  A man was charged with attempted murder. What is wrong with our world that most women will experience some form of sexual abuse or assault over the course of their lifetimes?! Sigh... What I have learned is that what you resist, persists. The world has long been busy condemning us women for expressing our sexuality openly and  honestly, but we're not going to go away. Sexual women are here to stay.

Oh!  I've ALSO learned that it's very easy to attract the things you fear.  

So now I am 'That Girl,"  the one peddling her ass on the internet, but its all good. 

I own it.

I am putting together a separate website for peddling babblebutt.  SpokeNscene will return to business as usual whilst I work on that, which means these posts will probably remain just slightly scarce, despite my best, most babbliscious intention to bring you news of the cycling scene here in Vancouver.

Last week Snobberdooders wrote about The Indignity of Not Commuting by Bicycle and Instead Just Going For A Ride: None, I Regret Nothing. He talked about responsibilities and noted how lucky he is to be able to squeeze in a few recreational bike rides here and there.  Just a day or so later, a girlfriend of mine mentioned how it looks like I'm living the life of Riley, what with all of the time I spend on a bike. She asked whether maybe I might have too much time on my hands.  I had to laugh, because  COME.  ON. Everybody is too busy. Right?  Everybody. Time is the one thing none of us ever has quite enough of.

I like to ride at least two hours a day, but I am literally riding for my life. Yes, that sounds super-melodramatic, for sure, but please hear me out. You know how sick and twisted I am.   This disorder is progressive and degenerative, and THAT means that its expression is intrinsically linked to the process of ageing.  That's why I study the art, magic and science of longevity, and why I am trying so hard to find the key to quantum healing.  Because even when it really hurts, I love my life.  I want to get to know my future great grandchildren and I have big plans for my 100th birthday party, so I am well motivated to find a solution to my connective tissue issues.

Last week someone said:

Great posterior -- er, post! 

The only problem is that you're preaching to the choir. This article needs to be published in one of those supermarket mags/rags that proclaim "Lose 8 lbs. in two weeks" or the like. With an emphasis on your earlier smokin' hot, er, smoking, overweight life, and how KISS made you the physical goddess you are now!

Thanks for this blog!


A.  Thank you, NHcycler.  Thank you for reading, and thank you for your two cents, too.  Very kind of you.
2.  Right?! But that's the scary thing! I am both the preacher and a singer in that very same choir and STILL I was headed for trouble!!  I've cycled as a way of life since I was a teenager, even though I have had my fat times and my super-stupid times, I was definitely in the habit of taking pretty damned good care of myself last October when Dr Brown had me chart my acidity, I took stock of my physical situation, and discovered that despite my healthy lifestyle, my disease was progressing rapidly. Painfully quickly.  I was still not seeing any real results.

I had an unhealthy blood chemistry, with respect to my cholesterol levels and my risk ratio of healthy vs unhealthy fats. Cholesterol is to some extent determined by your genetics, so a couple of years ago, when my doctor told me I had high blood cholesterol despite my fit, active lifestyle, I wasn't entirely surprised. A serious clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden runs in the family, along with high cholesterol. Dad had undergone quadruple bypass surgery when he was five years younger than I am now.  The deck is stacked against me, and yet this is what my blood looks like now:

needless to say, the doctors are dead chuffed with my results.  The risk ratio is well below the recommended guidelines, and my triglyceride levels have left my physicians tickled pink.

I told you I am the anti-scientist.  I love, adore and respect science.  Absolutely.  It's just that I am way too slow and backward to be a scientist.  When it comes to the battle against the progression of my disease, I consult science.  I read as much as I can and talk to doctors, specialists, healers and friends, but in the end the decision is organic. I place my trust in the "yes" and "no" signals I get from my body, rather than the latest lab results, fashions, or trends. 

How did I attain the cholesterol levels I needed?  I just listened to my body's signals. I eat a lot of fats, in fact.  They're soooo tasty, and I like yummy food. When I cook, it's always coconut or grapeseed oil, and of course I love olives, too.  I do use dairy, though it's really best if it's organic.  I use liberal amounts of butter, and 11% bf yogurt, and OMG I love the macedonian feta from the Parthenon. (It's the best kept secret in Kits, that place:) I love love love fatty foods of all sorts! I eat plenty of avocados, eggs,seeds, and tree nuts.  All in all I have a fairly high-fat diet, and the genetic cards are stacked against me, too.  And EVEN SO!! Heh heh.  Even so, I listened to my body's signals and here we are...  
Well, I'm here. Ish.  Spanish Banks. Dunno where you are.
I'm sitting pretty damned pretty, considering what a genetic mess I am. I don't know much, but what I DO  know is that listening to my body's signals always pays off.

You saw how my body's ph balance is in a place which pleases my naturopath.  My doctor, and the son who is studying to be a doctor both say that they can see no clearly proven link between having an acidic bio-chemistry, and the ageing and degenerative processes of oxidation, but my body is abundantly clear on the subject, and that's good enough for me.  Have you tested yourself yet?  

This body has undergone some pretty dramatic changes in the last few months. I hadn't been able to run for a few years.  My knees would blow up into water-balloons  if I so much as thought about going for a run. My unstable knees were the reason I adapted the babblebounce, the lymphatic clearing exercise I will show you on video.  Every time I went out dancing I would suffer with swollen, aching knees for a week.  But not any more. Suddenly I can join the boy on runs without suffering anymore.  It's incredible, really.

What's changed?  Well, since October I have made three distinct changes to my life, each of which may well have something to do with these results.  If I were  a proper scientist, I would of course do a controlled experiment to decipher which factor affected what, but I am just so happy with the overall results (even while I battle daily to keep the disease at bay) that I am simply going to keep on keeping on.

These are the three changes I made:

1. Juicing. If you do use a pyramid to describe the best diet, the bottom bit is meant to be green. Plants should be the bulk of your diet. Here's the thing. Dr Hal said that the only people who come into his office with healthy alkalinity are the people who juice.  He said that it takes about three months of regular juicing to change your bio-chemistry.  And what do you know?  He was absolutely spot on. Some of you scientists out there may say that a body's alkalinity isn't a true indication of your body's state of resistance or receptivity to disease, but I think the naturopaths have something figured out. Do your own research and make your own decisions.  All I know is my body says yes yes yes to green juice. Kale, grapefruit, apple, and ginger is tried trusted and true, but I like to mix it up, be creative, and have fun. In the summer you can use frozen veggies and  make smoothies that taste even better than ice cream. SUPER. YUM.

2. I bumped up my daily grind from one to two hours daily, and I make a point of stimulating my lymph system whenever I am sitting for more than half an hour at a time.  I'm guessing that this is the biggest reason my cholesterol levels are so good, since triglycerides are sort of an indication that you're not burning up all of the energy you're consuming.  Also, it's important to note that the body switches from burning glucose to burning fat once you've been active for an hour and a half, so that might explain the change in my blood chemistry. I am so inspired by Olga the Magnificent and her incredible anti-ageing lifestyle, that for the first time ever, I have purchased a UCI racing  license in my efforts to make the most of this mortal coil.

3. Protandim.  I used to need between two and three hundred dollars worth of supplements each month, and now I spend less than seventy-five dollars.  And I am running again, and riding faster than I used to, and that's good enough for me.  A couple of my friends have noticed an improvement in my health and wellness since I started taking it, and have inquired about it, so racing wasn't the only type of licence I bought this month. I also bought a Protandim distributor's license, even though I lack a killer sales instinct.  It's a powerfully effective supplement. I encourage you to give it a try.

The KISS list is just a simple way to stay healthy and happy,  and you know you'll see and hear all about it once I finish my website.  Till then, you can expect somewhat regular updates here.... I promise.

See ya again soon!  :D

ps.  a couple of people asked where we were riding in that video. That was the Vet ride in Richmond a few weeks ago... et voila:

Friday, March 28, 2014

Kisses, Peace Pussy and the Nearly Naked Truth.

Hello! My name is Kerry, but people call me babble on, because I do.

So... No girl ever plans to utter the words "Actually, mum, I'm peddling my ass," to her mother, but I aspire to truth, and so had to have that conversation other day.  It went rather well, all things considered. Telling the boys has proven a little more challenging.

I did laugh the day I realized that my best option in today's crazy market is to peddle my best asset. You've gotta appreciate deep and meaningful irony when it shows up in your life, right? I get how acceptance is an important aspect of developing a peaceful heart, but this?

My whole life is a twisted derivative of Occam's Razor.

Yeah, the simplest solution.  That's me.  But doctors always love me cause I am an interesting specimen, so I am simple yet complicated. Ah, a paradox: how is it that I can be so incredibly dense and yet at the same time be so completely vacant? Hmmm? Speaking of paradoxes, isn't it funny how the truth can be right in front of your eyes, and yet invisible?  

                           That's what Peddling My Ass was for me, and that's a KISS list for you.

I promised you a Keep It Simple Stupid list, a go-to of the things I do to maintain my health and fitness.  The friend who asked me to write it knows that EVEN though I am sick, twisted and quite mutarded,  I am still strong and fit and I still get a lot done in a day. In the years I worked for Aurora, for example, I never called in sick.  Ever.

Because the KISS list works EVEN THOUGH.

Even though I've Made a Perfect Ass of My Selfie. And what the makeaperfectassofyourselfie proves is that as far as asses go, mine is far from perfect.  You see that??  It's still got road-rash on it from a run-in with some black ice early on in February, along with a little bullseye of spots from my core-activating seat cushion. 

It's a good ass, though, don't you think?  It's an ass you can count on, that one.  Strong and reliable, and good for the long haul.I do understand why it is that so many of the men I've met on Linked In are only interested in my ass, rather than the copy-writing and marketing skills I was originally peddling.  Yes.  It appears to be worth its muscle weight in gold, that ass.  Just remember the Hermetic Creed: 

As above,
So below.
As within, 
So without.

That arse has road-rash on it.  The body attached to that particular specimen usually has some sort of road-rash on it somewhere, cause it has hit a few serious bumps'n'bruises on it's myriad trips round the block. That arse has seen some serious trouble, and still it bounced back.  Everything on the KISS list, I learned cause I made a TON of stooooopid-arsed moves along the way and I survived em all. As the proud owner of every character flaw known to man, I've made pretty much every single, dumbass mistake a human can make. That's how I know how lucky, and that's how you know the KISS list really works.

That I am still here to experience places like this proves it.  

No matter where you are at now, no matter how many bad habits you have, you can recover and regain a youthful, fit physique with the KISS list. I was quite overweight when I smoked, for example. I've lost a fair few stone in the years since I gave that up! Er... have you ever noticed how many fat smokers you see out there, and how many of them cling to the notion that cigarettes curb their appetites somehow?

Ridiculous. Whenever they give me that old line I always say

(In the nicest possible way, of course, cause really, a little onanism does a body good.)
It's not the cigarettes that do the trick, anyway. Sleep controls your appetite.
KISS. So simple.  You'll see.

The KISS list is simplicity itself, just plain old common sense, though I didn't come by it naturally.
Are you ready?
It's a mantra:

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep. 
Kisses for you, and for free, too.  :)  
Barb Wood
Simple. And you know it's easy, because I can do it. I have every character flaw known to man, so if I can do it, anyone can.  It might look like I am dedicated and disciplined, but the simple truth is that I am a hedonist at heart. I make habits of doing the things that my body tells me are good for me.  Some naturopathic doctors use a technique called muscle testing.  Dr Hal Brown does.  He is awesome at finding what's going on in a body that way.  I do my own personal version of muscle testing, (another little thing I can share with you via video) and when I use it, my body tells me what is right and what works for me.  It's the Anti-scientist's way.

I'm gonna babble on and on about that KISS list because I want to make a difference in people's lives, and making a perfect arse of myself is something I know all about.  And besides.Linked in has been unequivocal.  Despite .  So you can have it.  You can hire it, or you can make your own.  I'll spill all of my secrets. I never diet any more, for example, cause that's just another name for self-deprivation. I love love love to eat, and I love love love to feed my friends, too.  So instead of dieting,  I make small changes to my habits, changes I can live with every single day, without feeling deprived.  It's easier that way.

The journey ahead might be a long one, but it's manageable when you take it one step at a time.

More than any of the other items in the KISS list, you'll hear me babble on and on about Purification,  That's because it's the one I struggle with most, being such a dirty girl, n'all. I am way too weak to give up my comfort foods and crutches lightly, so you know I've Kept It Simple there, too. I can't help it. It's what I do. That's why I want to share my favourite recipes with you. It's easy to eat superfoods when they taste superdelicious.

Babbliscious cheerios  with pecans, cashews, slivered almonds, hemp hearts, chia seeds and figs. Mmm...
My body made it clear one day that it had had enough of coffee. I cried. I sobbed like a child and wept and moped and mourned the loss of a beloved, dear old friend, but eventually time healed sorry, sad wound, and now I make a kick-ass almond maple silk matcha latte. That's whatcha call a tasty silver lining. My friends all love it, and maybe you will, too.  Your body will probably never tell you to gofuckyourselfie the way mine did.  Yours will probably never insist that you give up coffee or chocolate, and so you might never otherwise be driven to discover the gorgeous  flavour of matcha the way I was, but this way you get to taste the best of both worlds.

You already know what I think of our motor-vehicle-centric cities.  In my books, bikes are a no-brainer as a way of life, but you can still dramatically improve your health without one. 
Don't be silly.  Of course you need a bike.

 Movement as a way of life is not negotiable. Your body needs it like it needs air and water.  Stagnation is dangerous.  Why do you think a broken hip is a harbinger of death for so many elderly folks?  Because when you stop moving you start decaying.  Pneumonia sets in easily if you're not moving about properly. If you're any good at developing apps, make one that can tell you to get up and shake your tail feather whenever you've been sitting for thirty minutes in a row.  An app like that would definitely improve your health and wellness.  The most wonderful thing happens in the CBC Vancouver Radio studio every thirty minutes.  Someone in the building has a sound maker set to go off every half hour, and when it does, people all over the place reply with their own noise makers. Everybody jumps up and down and moves around, and everyone laughs!

Brilliant.  I love it.  :D

You've probably already heard the catchphrase "Sitting is the new smoking." There is a whole host of evidence underscoring the effect an active lifestyle has on the body.  The more exercise you get, for example, the less likely you are to develop Alzheimer's disease, the later you can expect its onset if you are going to get it, and the less severe it will be for you.  Scientists have also proven unequivocally that strenuous, long term exercise protects against the effects of ageing.  However you get your body moving, you have to move if you want to make the most of your health. You have to keep moving throughout the day, and you absolutely must sweat every day. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand the earlier in the day you manage to do it, the better off you are.

But you already knew that.
Chances are you already take pretty good care of yourself.  I've been a daily commuter for years, and with my need to watch my diet lest I suffer a nasty seizure, I figured for sure my bio-chemistry was pretty healthy.  So when Dr Brown asked me to chart my ph levels, the results surprised me.

I was quite acidic. You can get the litmus strips anywhere.  It's a good idea to take a close look over a few days, just to see where you're at.  I still test regularly, though these days, I'm cool.

It's an inexpensive way to see where you're at.  Your body will tell you how badly you need the KISS list.

You already know a lot about taking care of yourself, but  here's something most folks don't know:  the bounce bit really counts. Bouncing is key to boosting your immune function, because though the lymphatic system mirrors the circulatory system, it has no pump, only shunts. That means you are the pump.  I suffered from unstable knees for years and so I adapted a Kundalini yoga bounce movement to drain my lymph system without pain or strain, but really, anything will do.

What's the matter, don't you like that you have to move, sweat and bounce?

Honey, you can lick it. If you want to be healthy strong and fit, you know what you have to do.

Sure it looks silly, but it's important..  You have to bounce wherever and whenever you can if you want to support your body's best functioning..  I like to bounce a bit when I am up off the saddle climbing a steep segment and really pushing hard, and really, if you can bounce on a bike, you can bounce anywhere.  Climb stairs. Skip a rope, or jump on one of those mini-trampolines for a while. Jumping jacks do the trick, or you could even just head out for a super quick run. However you manage it, you simply have to move to stay well.  Your body will function best if you find a way to bounce a little and shake things up at least every thirty minutes or so.

Eagles above Richmond.  That's you flying high from the KISS list.
Sitting is the new smoking indeed... and STILL people SIT in their CARS and drive blindly on.  Sitting in cars is waaaaaaay deadlier than smoking ever was, and STILL people refuse make the connection between their poisonous driving habits and the problems we see across the planet today.  There's a big push for cities all over the place to ban smoking from parks and patios and all public spaces so that innocent bystanders aren't exposed to toxic cigarette smoke.  What a great and significant change! A few years ago, people used to smoke all over the place, including in hospitals and public spaces, but now you never really see people smoke publicly any more.  Smoking has become the exception to the rule, rather than the norm it used to be.

Cigarettes are waaaaay less deadly than cars. You can spend years in a smoky room full of burning cigarettes and still walk away, but you can't spend very long at all in there with an idling car. More people die from cars every day ... and STILL folks won't even begin to entertain to the question of placing any sort of restrictions on their freedom to drive anytime, anywhere.

Jeez people, get a life.  Ride a bike.  
It might not make you entirely happy at the start, the thought of giving up your car-centric beliefs...

but life has an amazing way of rewarding your efforts to overcome challenge with lovely silver linings, so suck it up, buttercup.  And besides, I'll happily share all of my silver linings with you so you don't have to spend tons of time in trial and error like I did.

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep. 

 I am going to give you another KISS tip now. Are you ready? This is an important tool which you can test out, starting today. If I could convince you to do one thing you probably haven't thought of which will really improve your health, it is would be this:  first thing in the morning, every morning, scrape your tongue clean with the flat side of a kitchen knife, rinse and spit, scrape again, and then drink as much water as you can.

Let's not get into exactly what that gunk on your tongue is just now, but suffice to say you certainly don't want to swallow it. After you clean your tongue off and have a big drink, try not to eat anything for a few minutes to give the water time to work its way down through your digestive tract.. This will kick-start your metabolism, and flush your organs.  I drink a full water-bottle first thing in the morning, every day without fail. I filter it and let it sit over night so the chlorine evaporates and it is at room temperature when it goes down.  I guess an hour is all it takes for the chlorine to evaporate, and the room temp thing is just my preference cause it's less of a shock to the system than cold water would be. Apparently hot water is best, but I like to rock and roll in the morning and don't want to spend time waiting on a kettle. Make a habit of flushing out your system every time you have an empty stomach, at least twenty minutes before you eat, if you can.

If you do it consistently, and even if you don't do anything else, this will improve your health. Watch what happens when you keep it up over time... you might be quite surprised!

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep.  
That's it. A teensy peek at Peace Pussy and the Naked Truth for you... 

Easy, right? Straight from my simple mind to you.

 Go on. Give it a go.

If you just bounce regularly every day, and do that scrape, rinse and flush thing for six weeks running, you will probably lose weight, all other things being equal, but that's not the point, anyway. Your organs will function more efficiently.  You will feel better, and you will have more energy, too.  I promise.  If I had charged you money for this advice, you would be far more likely to give it an honest effort, because you would place more value on it.  Isn't that funny? But it's true. Please do feel free to give me money.  If there is any justice in this world I will be a millionaire this time next year, because the KISS list is priceless.  It's true.

You can send cheques, samples, swag, donations and gifts to Kerry Guerin at 909 Station St, Vancouver, BC.  V6A 4J8.  Or you can click on the PayPal link at the bottom of the page. Wondering where your generous gifts are going? Don't buy into the myth of universal Canadian Health care.  We don't have Health Care here, we have Sick Care.  That means that the very expensive stem-cell prolotherapy which I need just to keep moving isn't covered.  What's a girl to do?

D'you figure I've lost the plot?  Do you think I must be mad to be peddling my ass on the internet like this? 

I've wondered the same thing myself. I'm the first to admit my family tree is chocka block with nuts, but the results of my market research have been unequivocal.  Besides, it's perfectly legal for a girl to offer her ass on the Canadian market now, you know.   And it isn't only for sale.  It's for lease, rent, short or long term contract, and just for general hire.

You get the point.  And the market has made its point.  As far as business ideas go, this loopy one where I peddle my ass has definitely got legs, but it's a bit awkward sometimes.  Like breaking it to the boys ... the small boy figured it was the best joke in the history of forever, and so he just laughed, as usual.   The tall one could see the bigger picture, and  so he gently shook his head, and worried a little, as usual.  But he knows that the degree he is after, the one which gives you with medical letters after your name, doesn't come cheaply, and so he didn't voice his objections, bless his bright and beautiful heart.

Test drive the KISS list for yourself ;
see how it makes you feel.

We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the KISS list, but I had to get it out and get you started with the simplest and most important happy-body habits right away. Without delay.  DOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT.  Do it today.

Move Bounce Purify Breathe Love a Lot Laugh and Sleep.  

I am going to invite you into my home with video.  That's how I will share my favourite yoga poses, scrumptious living and easy cycling tips and tricks.  And food.  Yum.  I want to share my best go-to recipes with you. I want to give you my staples, the things which nourish me, body and soul.

I especially want to share with you the joy I've discovered, knowing that each and every day is a gift worth celebrating.

Friday, March 21, 2014

All ride, already! Backpedaling, begging your pardon, and fessing up.... turns out I've made a real ass of myself.

I like to own my mistakes so I can fix them quickly and move on, and for that reason I must beg your pardon, dear reader.  Please forgive me for my last post.  It was unbelievably sanctimonious, coming from someone who is  busy peddling her ass.
I've wracked my tiny brain trying to figure out the best business model for hinder marketing.  I want everyone to have a strong ass to call their own, and this has led me to carefully consider everything that goes into making a proper arse of yourself.  It comes naturally to some of us, but you may need a few pointers. I found a photograph from thirty some odd years ago and the moment I laid eyes on it, it transported me back through the years to my first big road ride.  I was fourteen or fifteen years old when I took this, and soaked to the bone.

LOOK at those helmets!!  This was taken in Jasper National Park, en route from Jasper to Banff, I believe.

Back in those days I was as likely to be traversing the Rockies in a canoe as on a bike.

We would sleep under a tarp secured atop our canoes,

after a day spent travelling downstream through the mountains on a glacier fed river.  We spent much of that time in song, as we imagined the Voyageurs did.  I still sing at the top of my lungs when I ride!

I saw a few bear along this stretch over the years.  It's the North Saskatchewan River, and we canoed it between Nordegg and Rocky Mountain House every chance we got. This has almost nothing to do with how you're going to have that arse you've been dreaming of, but I owe my sanity to my early outdoor adventure experiences.  We all need to feel that connection with the planet we inhabit. It was there that I first understood the power and joy to be derived from old-fashioned ambulation. And my love of getting about under my own steam definitely has a lot to do with the strength and definition you see in my body today.

I built that thigh with lots of rides, beginning waaaaaay back when, but it's stronger than most, cause when the boys came along, I just added them to the bike, first in a trailer, then on a trail bike, and then on their own.  And you know I ride whenever possible, and I push a bit of weight hauling the goods home from Costco once a week or so.

My legs and my muscly butt are simply the expression of my love of bicycles.  

That, and the KISS list. The KISS list incorporates movement and basic habits I've learned through trial and tons of error. It's your distilled recipe for health and wellness, a few simple tips from a simpleton, designed to make your life better.

I've hears that people only really value the things they pay for, and that made me think at first that the KISS list should strictly be for sale, but you know me.  I think health and wellness is priceless.  I know that these things will be extremely valuable to anyone who commits to doing it, (a few friends already have!) but I can't help but babble on, and I always love to share.  So I am going to publish the KISS list here so everyone can use it as they will.  I will publish it along with Peace Pussy and the Nearly Naked Truth.  Even just adopting the first three points of the KISS list will make an enormous difference in your energy levels and general well-being.  Your body probably doesn't hold you to exacting standards the way mine does me, but yours will certainly respond well to the list. I will also set up a new YouTube channel so I can show you a few of my favourite exercises, and share a few of my favourite dishes.  Soon, I promise.  

When you notice the difference in your health and wellness, and you definitely will, you are most welcome to leave a payment.  How's that for a business model? Give it away and hope they pay later.

You can see why mum used to tell me to Keep It Simple Stupid, and why the KISS list is perfect for a girl like me.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Dear Sir,

After a little reflection, 

I am writing to say "Wow!  Just... wow."

I enjoyed watching your face that first time you laid eyes on me.  You really didn't expect to be looking up, did you? LOL!  I am a lot taller than your average bear when you factor in the five inch platform heels.  And then when you stood back to take in my muscle mass the way you did, clocking my density in all its physicality?  Bwah ha ha ha haa ha!  Thank you for the chuckle. That was fun.

Let's just say that despite your expectations prior to that moment, "Submissive" is not the first thing which typically springs to mind when most people think of me.  Yet there we were, meeting in Yew at the Four Springs after sharing several conversations and innumerable online interactions, and as the moment approached, you remained under the impression that I was a "natural sub," or at least you did right up until that moment we met.  Heh heh.  :D

I remember which spokeNscene post turned your head, which photo and why.

But I told you Taboo was just a lark.

Suddenly you were saying the sorts of things to me which a casual Linked In connection would never dream of.  You didn't just dream.  You dared.  And now I have to say "Congratulations!" You are the first person who has ever uttered the actual words "I want to own your ass" to me, which means you scored honesty points over those who play the very same game by unspoken rules.

Dat Ass
Now, don't get me wrong.  I am most definitely NOT surprised that a marked interest in my butt is what comes back at me when I throw spokeNscene into a place like Linked In, because I literally put my ass out there. I have to.  It's something I do for the greater good. A great ass is crucial to this space.

SpokeNscene goes something like this:

People who choose to ride bikes instead of driving cars are happier people.  They smile more and they spend less on petroleum.  They have nicer butts, too.  These happier, healthier, sexier people get laid a lot more than their bitchy fatsos counterparts sitting in cars, and they have more love in their lives.  People with more love in their lives are the ones out there creating a beautiful, prosperous, peaceful planet.  In other words, the bike path to world peace starts with the pedaling of an ass.

Hands-on market research concludes that this ass is an asset.  

But here's the rub:  You can't actually own something you haven't paid for.  There is a small fortune of sweat equity in this ass!  I am now very well aware of just how much money you made last Friday, but still.  You can't afford my ass.

And a lease isn't exactly what you had in mind, is it?  Ownership indeed... and for the price of a cuppa tea?  That's just...

But you're not alone. You might be surprised to find just how many men just like you are out there playing the very same game, all of them wealthy and influential in their own right. And how every single one of them expect me to fall on my knees in that ancient form of worship. Unstated but implied very directly is the implication that if  I did do that particular deed, somehow your great and magnanimous abundance, wealth, and influence will magically rain down upon me and bless me with some priceless "Happily Ever After" pearl necklace.

Even you.  I expected more of you.  You've been way more up front than most of the men who play that ancient game, so I was surprised to hear all the same lame old lines uttered on your breath.

Um, and I'm pretty sure that a natural Dom always commands, never begs.

Even for that.
Sorry. I won't bend over just because you make more money than God.  And in truth I am not sorry.

Life is pretty tricky sometimes, isn't it?  The way it sneaks up and bites you in the butt when you're not looking  but that's the thing.  When you insisted, I was forced to make that most primal of decisions. 

You already know about the man I tried to trick into marrying me.  A couple of weeks ago I asked him again if I should take down my Plenty of Fish account.  He said "No, I don't think so." You have already told me you would have me cut him out of my life, but for what?  It's one thing to live with unrequited love, it's another to loose your very best friend. Before I met that man, my friends were all worried that I wasn't getting any, but I have to want to kiss someone before I do the deed, and it takes more than a vague feeling of attraction (or a fat wallet) before my thoughts and feelings go there. Anyhoo, when I did fall for him, it was a simple thing. We end up looking like the people we spend our time with, and that man is easy to look at because his heart speaks volumes through his actions, and he takes very good care of himself.

It's no coincidence, you know, that old people who've spent their lives together look the same.  It's not just that they have similar personalities which express themselves in the self-same ways across their faces.  More importantly, they share the same lifestyle, and that affects their bodies in an identical fashion.

You warned me that my income will reflect the average of the incomes of the five people I spend most of my time with.  This is the very same principle in action..

Which brings us back to the sweat equity in my ass. When we met you mentioned how surprised you were to see how muscular I am, and you kept remarking on how I seem to glow.  That's the KISS list in action, doll, and it's the kind of down payment I look for when I am evaluating a potential partner.  I can't help it.  I have to take care of my body.  It leaves me no choice, but I can choose to be with people who get it, or not, and that choice most definitely affects how easy it is for me to do the things I have to do to maintain my state of health and wellness.

I am way too bossy for you, anyway.  I can't help but try to influence the people I care about, so that they take better care of themselves. And if ever I chose to make you a member of my inner circles, I would have a fair bit to say about the way you treat  your temple.

It's just the way I'm striped..

Which isn't exactly Submissive, is it?

Plus, I am a terrible liar.  You see?  Even that's a lie.  I am a GREAT liar.  I was practically raised in law school, and law is a very creative profession, you know.  I am a rapt student of  The Art of Truth, but it never comes easily to me.

For example,  I lied when I said that you don't need any special equipment in order to benefit from the kiss list. You will need a bike.  Worse than that,  YOU WILL ALWAYS NEED A BIKE, and this is one of those universal paradoxes that really hurts my poor little brain. No matter how many bikes you have, you will always need one more.  How it is you can not NEED any special equipment, and yet at the same time, no matter how many of them you own, always NEED one more, I will never know.  Somebody explain it to me, please...

But maybe don't go there. I've lost days caught in the knot of that conundrum.  It's a perpetual paradox, the sort of riddle which you would be well advised to avoid trying to work out.  The fact that you need a bike, and you will always need a bike is just something it's best to simply accept so you can move on.

Yes, I remember how you told me you had a scary experience on a bike.  Yes, it's true that some drivers hold your life in their callous hands with terrifyingly little regard.  But there really is safety in numbers, and we all deserve better treatment, so please do take it upon yourself to have conversations with the people you know about what safe and respectful driving really is.

You definitely have power and influence, Sir.  Use it for the greater good.

Oh, and use your bike.  If you want girls like me to make the other choice when faced with that most primal of decisions, you should get with the program and use the whole KISS list.
Don't worry.  

It's coming soon.