Friday, January 11, 2013

Thinning the gene pool and my religious aspirations.

Oh dear. Another candidate for the Darwin Awards?

 "It appears he was towed by his father up this significant hill that they were using to board on, so he was being towed up at about 15 miles (25k) per hour,  basically fell off and hit his noggin and lost consciousness."
Pinkewycz says it was either raining or snowing at the time and advises longboarders not to attempt stunts in those conditions. 
The kid's a classic Adrenaline Junky, with fool-hardy genes passed along from his enabling dad. I wonder if he was praying to God as he went down...? 
                                                             Here he is in ten years time:  

 90km (55m) per hour.

Not that I'm judging.  For sure we never ever even once hung on behind Uncle Clarence's Suburban  bumper surfing the fresh Alberta snows on crazy carpets before church of a Sunday morning... not ever. Yeah.  That's it.

More than one dumbass move has landed my name in that Darwinian hat in the past.  And as soon as I saw this smooth move, my poor besotted brain went into over-drive trying to figure out how to do it, and where.  (note to self: Down Girl. NO.)

Officer Pinkywicks up there, who can't tell whether it's raining or snowing, advises longboarders not to try stunts in either event, rain or snow.

I'm advised not to ride in the rain and snow sometimes, too, though of course I never listen.

Are you coming?

You know what I am going to listen to, though, don't you?  Oprah's captured edited and trademarked edition of Lance's confession.  Yessum.  And I really can't wait for the 60 Minute version.  It just keeps getting better, this story. It has all the makings of a tale of epic proportions. I'm just ever so slightly, secretly envious of Oprah.  No! It's not because of Steadman.  Ew gross. It's not her money,either. Not directly, anyway.

You see, I've always secretly wanted to be the Pope

There's all that lovely gold. The Pope has a lot of gold and other shiny, sparkling stuff. I have a weakness for shiny things, you see. (I have a friend.  She is very tolerant. I make her read this. She's nodding emphatically about my weakness for shiny things right now.) When you have lots and lots of gold like the Pope does, you can find ways to give lots and lots of things away.


Oprah has a lot of sparkling, shiny stuff.



It would be cool to be the Pope because he has tons of really cool places, too, some of the prettiest buildings in the world situated on gorgeous plots. I love pretty plots and lovely things.  



Oprah is the Queen of Pretty Plots


and Gorgeous Things!

As I gained an education, I realised that the library in Vatican City holds a few juicy mysteries which most of us will never be privileged enough to read, and if I were the Pope I could start the best book club in the world.   What do you know? 



Oprah has a Book Club!



But the best bit is the confessions, though.  People pour their stories into her ear...

I'll be listening.  This should be interesting and entertaining. The Mail sez 


My mum's mum, Baba, used to love Oprah.  She would watch religiously, volume full blast because she hated to wear her hearing aid.  I've never watched an episode that I can recall, but I know she's one of the most powerful people in the world and when I look at my Pope Hope and then look at her, I can't help but notice that she's gone and done it.  She's achieved my secret dream.

Lance, please kiss the toe of the POPE-RAH, will you?

You see why I'm tinged slightly green?
The only real difference is that if I were pope I would immediately set about ensuring that all that silly dogma around sex gets set to right, and I see no sign of POprah going there.

But you know I'll be going there every chance I get. I 'm always closest to God when I'm calling out "Oh My God!!" from between the sheets every night.

In fact, be sure to tune in after next weekend.  I'm excited about honing my investigative journalism/intrepid bike blogging skills at the sex show TABOO. Time to see what kind of kinkiness we can bring to two wheels.

There are bound to be lots of fun things to ride, and who knows?  If I listen carefully, maybe I'll hear some juicy confessions.  Better yet, by the end of the weekend I plan to have a religious experience of my own which is worthy of a confession on Oprah's sofa.  Then I can be the one giving the dope to the Pope-rah.












15 comments:

  1. Like that last shot babs! You should be sure to enter the Grand Prize Draw for your chance to WIN a Professional Boudoir Photo Shoot! at the show.

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  2. I was doing fine until that last pic. I need a kleenx.

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  3. Kleenex ? Go find an open house instead.

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  4. ...huh, what ???...did you, ummm, was there something written here ???...i meam, holy fuck (i think that was part of the message), i lost track of everything with that last shot...

    ...panda/mirror photo = délicieusement provocateur...

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  5. Clearly one shouldn't read your blog while riding. (Typing this from the ER.)

    It will not be a no-holds-barred Armstrong event. Believe me we will still want to kick Lance right in the solo wobbly afterward.

    Thanks for the blog. And don't hurt yourself at the Taboo event. (Though I did just meet a nice doctor, if you do.)

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  6. Taboo homepage, Cipo on the right, you on the left?

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    1. I'll leave Cipo to Frilly. He's alright, just not to my tastes.

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  7. ...so...lance armstrong on oprah, ya ???...what kinda confession are we talking here ???...

    ...an altruistic, "...well, yes i did dope to win but ONLY for the good of mankind & to offer hope to cancer victims everywhere..." admission ???...

    ...or an "...i was caught up in the moment / situation & i'm heartfeltedly sorry that i screwed so many old friends & employees over to achieve my obssessive personal goals..." kinda admission ???...

    ...obviously i'm speculating 'cuz only lance knows what's coming but the term "...confession...", if indeed he's going to confess, means little in & of itself...

    ...the guy has been playing public relations games for so long i wonder if he's capable of meaningful contrition or if this about to be just another twisted form of self aggrandization...

    ...whilst almost inconceivable, the amazing focus required to win 7 tours de france in a row is at least maniacally obssessive, if not bordering on sociopathic to some degree ...i find the achievement literally amazing no matter what enhancement was used & no matter how he was able to skew the playing field with the help of bruyneel & ferrari & ultimately the achieved goal is phenomenal...

    ...but, that's not to say it's justifiably good, right or honest...

    ...i just wonder if between the two of them, oprah & armstrong will offer us real insight...i'm not saying armstrong is incapable of honest truth, i'm just wondering if he can honestly handle the truth...

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  8. Rather than hear about the doping I'd rather hear Armstrong say why he went out of his way to ruin the careers and lives of former friends and colleagues who were simply telling the truth. I'm guessing he won't do that, and instead he'll try to justify everything by claiming that his selfless charity work has helped countless cancer patients. Maybe so. But check out the NY Times today for a pretty well-reported story on the big bucks that Livestrong brought to Armstrong himself. I don't want to be such a cynic as to say that Lance's philanthropy was all a calculculated marketing ploy. But then again, when I now think of Armstrong, I have to ask, what kind of guy deliberately destroys everyone around him for simply not following the "program" of telling lies?...

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    1. ...@ dnk...i'll bet the interview is being done at the 'walled armstrong compound' (as reported) because it may have been a fear of the armstrong group (lance n' lawyers) that certain former friends & colleagues you mention might have been brought into a studio environment for confrontational purposes...

      ...either way, it's not lost on me that the situation is very controlled & in armstrongs favor by being conducted in his home...doesn't oprah usually do interviews in her studio in chicago ???...

      ...one salient point regarding how armstrong DID benefit personally by using calculated marketing is that every trip, voyage, vaction, was tied into a quick visit with local luminaries in the cancer world so that the private use of the 'corporate' jet leased by 'the (former) lance armstrong foundation' would be justified...

      ...nice work (& method of travel) if you can get it...

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  9. I am fucking over Lance. Period. And if the world just ignores him that would be best. I am betting Oprah is writing him a big check so he can hem and haw and say nada. Sigh.

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    1. According to the BBC he isn't getting paid a cent, but anything is possible. What I want to know is how many organisations outside the team were complicit in the whole scheme.

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    2. ...bingo, babbles...

      ...this just may be armstrong's "...come to jesus..." meeting in order to save all those organizations from deeper scrutiny although david walsh & others aren't likely to give the uci's mcquaid & verbruggen a pass anytime soon...

      ...oprah could certainly facilitate the 'livestrong foundation' with a large check that could be kept quiet 'cuz it's not going to armstrong himself & just might lessen the blow in the eyes of the foundation workers regarding whatever admission he might make...pure speculation but a reasonable one...

      ...regarding your concerns, i would surmise that in general it wouldn't be whole organizations that were complicit so much as various people within cyclings regulatory structure who knew but they would likely be those with influence &/or those who'd allow themselves to be corrupted...

      ...in europe, the aforementioned mcquaid & verbruggen, various lab directors & who knows who else...

      ...i've always maintained that contador learned from the best in his years with bruyneel & armstrong (& over the last few years with riis) & he carried that straight to the royal spanish cycling federation with the suggestion that "...you can help me skate on this..." & thus the comically ridiculous slap on the wrist he got for his clenbuterol slip up...

      ...here, thom weisel & jim ochowitz are intermediaries who definitely had 'sway (& perhaps dinero to hand about) in the usacycling organization...

      ...& despite the sponsors who abandoned armstrong's sinking ship at the eleventh hour, i'll bet dollars to donuts that even the top guys like burke @ trek, knight @ nike & various other sponsors were absolutely complicit...

      ..."...don't ask, don't tell..." works here too & in the long run, you didn't have to be a genius to see that without enhancement, armstrong couldn't achieve beating other dopers time after time...

      ...it became a beautiful scheme wherein cycling, here & even in europe initially benefited on the ground level & still does despite the fallout...

      ...the cancer support community benefited & again, despite this initial fallout due to the latest armstrong happenstance, the business of cancer support is quite healthy...

      ...there are those in the cycling industry, who at this very minute are not unhappy with the situation because they feel they are benefitting from the exposure...

      ...within reason, as the old saw states - "...there is no such thing as bad publicity..."...

      ...babble on...please excuse the lengths of these posts but one way or another, a long running situation is coming to a head...

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  10. I really hope that Mr. Lance kisses the toe of Pope-rah. That would be boss. Kind of like that guy bike drafting.

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