Sunday, 11 August 2013

Fact, or Friction: the DIY Guide to Satisfaction

If you read this, chances are pretty good you already read Bike Snob, and you know he penned a classic this week with Go Puck Yourself.  If you haven`t yet read it, do, because laughter is good for the soul. Do you know what else is good for you? Despite what the church (almost any church) would have you think, pucking yourself is very good for you.  Everyone should do it. One of the reasons I should be Pope is so I can take these things into my own hand and change all of those misguided principles and policies which are ruining so many lives. Palm Sunday is going to take on a whole new role in the ecumenical calendar.  The Pope has a lot of pull, you know.  That's why I pray that beautiful day will soon be at hand.

Vote for Babbleon for Pope -
Write to the Vatican and tell them you're pulling for me!
 If you read the comments on Snob's Friday post, you probably thanked Leroy as you spent the next two days with this little ditty cycling endlessly in your head. It's the theme song for today's babblelog.

You're welcome.

What are the benefits of what Oprah so coyly calls "Self Cultivation?"  For you men, it cleans the plumbing and helps to prevent cancer, it makes you harder, helps you last longer, strengthens your immune system, and improves your mood, which helps to regulate blood pressure.  For us women, being the playful mistress of your domain prevents cervical infections and helps relieve Urinary Tract Infections (UTI's), it improves your heart and circulatory system and helps prevent type-2 diabetes, fights insomnia and builds pelvic floor strength, relieves depression and stress, strengthens your relationship with yourself and improves your sexual relationship with your partner. Whether you're a man or a woman, you'll find that tossing one off will make you happier, healthier, and yes, smarter

All that and it feels good, too.

Not to beat around the bush, but for sexiest picture, Klimt here wins hands down.

And as if it wasn't enough, that's not all! According to the great and all-knowing Wiki, "A 2008 study at Tabriz Medical University found ejaculation reduces swollen nasal blood vessels, freeing the airway for normal breathing. The mechanism is through stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system and is long lasting. The study author suggests "It can be done [from] time-to-time to alleviate the congestion and the patient can adjust the number of intercourses or masturbations depending on the severity of the symptoms."[51]

You see?  It even clears your nasal passages!  As far as your nose knows, it's the best sort of blow job.  "But what about all the dangers?" you might ask,  After all, who wants hairy palms?  According to Wiki, there is but one serious risk.


Those who insert objects as aid to masturbation risk them becoming stuck (e.g. as Rectal foreign bodies). Men and women can fall prey to this problem. A woman went into a German hospital with two pencils in her bladder. She had inserted them into her urethra during masturbation.[58]

Silly frau. She was trying to draw out her orgasm. She figured she was doing it the write way, though her method does sound a bit sketchy.

The Ancient Greeks "considered it a safety valve against destructive sexual frustration. Isn't it interesting that our culture inundates children with violent images yet forbids nature's sweetest release? What safety valve do we leave them? Video games?  Violent sports?  Ritalin?  No wonder we spawn so many rapists and lone wolf terrorists these days.

Thankfully,people are beginning to wake upIn the UK in 2009, a leaflet was issued by the National Health Service in Sheffield carrying the slogan, "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away". Words to live by, along with with Serial Retrogrouch's mobius principle:  no end till the happy end.  

Speaking of happy endings, The Greeks had a more relaxed attitude toward sex than the Egyptians... (They) dealt with female masturbation in both their art and writings. One common term used for it was anaphlan, which roughly translates as "up-fire".  I like that.  Fire me up, Scotty.  Do you know who else embraces female masturbation?  Those clever, ever so Catholic Brazilians.  Now I don't know about you, but when I think of Brazil I think of hot, sensual women on gorgeous, dramatic beaches, and with that in mind, what could possibly be better than a whole day devoted to women's orgasms?  Hmm?  Tell me, please.

International Day of the Female Orgasm - August 8

You see?  There's hope for Catholicism yet.  The church is always looking to improve attendance, but you can bet that when my Palm Sunday arrives, there will be plenty of happy and willing, upstanding members at hand. And it should be so!  

I can see it now... the red shoes, the big hats and of course, the Pope-Mobile.

I'll be the people's pope, I'll give everyone a ride.  
What?  You don't want to sit on the wacker?  
That's fine.  You can get off anytime.

 I do.  Gotta hand it to myself, I do love to wacks poetic. And so should you. Go on. Get a grip on yourself. You don't need any excuses for your nightly date with Pamela Handerson

How can something so beneficial, so healthy, so happy, so harmless, possibly be wrong?  
How can it be a sin?  

And there, in that question, lies the rub.  The sin in our world is that we systematically repress our normal sexual impulses in favour of outdated and repressive religious doctrines which have no basis in any kind of reality.  The real crime is that our children grow up believing that violence is normal (because that's what they are continuously exposed to), and healthy sexual expression is taboo.

What a mess. 
 I'm doing my part to make the world a better place.
What are you doing?


  1. "Didn't yo mama tell you that you'll go blind from playing with yo-self? Aw, Mama, can't I just do it till I need glasses" Would I be giving away my state of health if I commented on the font size...or have I walked straight into it ;)
    Excellent post, Babble!

    1. Thank you! Yes, you certainly would. You should probably practice more onanism if you want to improve your eyesight... after all, Jesus said there are none so blind as those who would not see... (the truth.)
      (and cheers. Is that a better font size?)

  2. Damn fine post, Ms Babble!
    And yes, I recall you brought the coffee filter helment to our attention months ago.

  3. Babble, this is why you're so awesome. You're such a motivator.